• By Amanda Blackburn.

Fighting depression!

I can’t believe it’s March already, can you believe I’ve been taking my antidepressants for three months. On Friday I had to go for another doctors appointment to review my mental health state whilst taking 20mg of Citalopram daily. Unfortunately, I couldn’t meet with the doctor I saw last time and had to meet with another. He was only young, very nice but didn’t seem to have the same understanding of my medication as my last doctor.

When I meet with my last doctor I wasn’t in a good state, read here: she had seen me at my worst. During this meeting, I was completely different, very calm and able to talk without breaking down. The doctor seemed to think that now I had some control over my mind it would be good to speak to a mental health counsellor. He gave me a telephone number to ring, I will get onto it during the coming week.

The first five weeks on Citalopram were tough, I was absolutely exhausted and I had no appetite. I did feel calmer though and my anxiety calmed down and after five weeks my appetite started to improve. The next six weeks were great, I felt calm, happy and in control of my life again. My ability to plan, socialise with people and focus on the future came back and I regained my usual positive attitude.

The last two weeks, however, hasn’t been great. I’ve no idea why? Everything is ok at home, three weeks ago we got the most amazing little puppy who is so adorable and so well behaved. I’ve really been enjoying spending time with him and I should be so happy. I’ve not been sleeping well again and I feel exhausted all the time. My head is all over the place, one minute my head is clear the next it’s all fuzzy and I can’t think straight. Surely I should be feeling better, I’ve got no reason to feel so low again. I’ve been eating healthier, avoiding alcohol and practising my yoga again.

I don’t want to become reliant on my medication and I was hoping the medication would fix it quickly so I could come off it. One of my close family members,(I can’t say because of privacy), has been on antidepressants for a long time. It’s not been easy for this person but the medication has kept this person alive and well. Unfortunately, this person lost their mum at my age to suicide, maybe if the medication was around then this might not have ever happened. I spoke to my doctor about this and he seemed to think it’s not passed on through genes.

I’m not convinced, it’s not passed on through genes, after speaking with this person about my mental state we have a lot in common. This person understands everything I have explained and has been exactly the same. My doctor says I might be making myself feel like it because of this person. I can honestly say it’s not because of expecting it to happen that I feel like this. It just comes from nowhere, it’s like something in my brain stops moving, my head feels fuzzy and mixed up. Sometimes it just comes on without any obvious reason, it’s like a lack of something that feels unbalanced.

I will continue to help myself with my yoga, Zumba and meditation as it definitely helps. I will get some advice and arrange a meeting with a counsellor to talk about my feelings. I need to be fit and healthy for my family and I am determined to fight this horrible mental state. I hope that with me talking about this then other people reading this might feel less alone. I have coped with so much rubbish over the years and never needed help until recently. It does make you feel weak not be able to fight it without medication, but sometimes a little help is all you need.

If you are feeling like me don’t be afraid to talk about it, don’t fight it alone. I will continue to share my mental health state through my blogs. Please feel free to message me if you need someone who understands to talk to or just to listen to you.


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